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The Eclectic Pen - 101 Uses for a Living Severed Head

By: Scott W. (Rev)   + 36 more  
Date Submitted: 3/3/2007
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 647
Rating:

With the beginning of the 21st Century nearly upon us, technological advancements in the medical field are rapidly reaching heights never before imagined. Previously ridiculed pulp science fiction novel impossibilities such as cloning and bionic limbs are now becoming modern-day reality. One such advancement (although not one readily admitted to by the medical society) is the patented invention of a machine that now makes it possible to keep a human severed head alive indefinitely. The existence of this specific technology has been deemed both cruel and immoral by many groups, most of them arguing that not only is it a practically blasphemous application of medical life support, but that such a device would have no practical use. To those that have scoffed at this idea, the members of The Mongoloid Moose Think Tank say FOOEY!!! There are numerous uses for such a medical advancement, and we will stop at no end to prove it! So, in an attempt to squelch the complaints and protests put forth by these Frankenstein Destroyers, we submit this list of one hundred and one useful applications for a living severed head. Note: Most of the following suggestions have been made under the assumption that the technology will become advanced enough so that the life support equipment will be eventually condensed into a 7" wide metal disk attached to the neck of the severed head. 1. Nifty Ashtray 2. Cool Fish Tank Decoration 3. Conversation Piece - Place it on your coffee table. Loads of fun! 4. Anti-Burglar Device 5. Christmas Tree Decoration 6. Jack-O-Lantern 7. Pooper Scooper 8. TV Antenna 9. Bedpost 10. Shoe Shiner - Polish not included. 11. Emergency Replacement For Broken Busts 12. Tie Rack 13. Dust Rag 14. Hand Puppet 15. Banister Knob 16. Q-Tip Dispenser 17. Candlestick 18. Sheet Music Holder 19. Post-Modern Drink Coaster - Not just a regular coaster! 20. Pencil Sharpener 21. Paperweight 22. Economy Night Light - Some assembly required. 23. Police Siren 24. Hood Ornament 25. Lawn Mower 26. Marital Aid - You figure it out. 27. Dust Rag 28. Pez Dispenser 29. Battering Ram - Actually, it would be more of an attachment. 30. Crib Mobile 31. Bicycle Horn 32. Ventriloquist Dummy 33. Hole Puncher 34. Bottle Opener 35. Attach to pole to unscrew out of reach light bulbs - I'm sure there's a name for it, but I don't know it. 36. Ice Cube Tray Monitor – Put back an empty tray, get bitten. 37. Stamp Moistener 38. Device for conducting controlled tests to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Lollie-Pop 39. Rape Whistle - Rape not included. 40. Pin Cushion 41. Cookie Cutter - Makes bite-size cookies. 42. Doctor's Specimen Container - They can't all be cute and pretty, now can they? 43. Blow Dryer - It takes a while. 44. Lawn Ornament 45. Door Stop 46. Primitive Blunt Weapon 47. Parking Meter 48. Wood Chipper 49. Oven Mitt 50. Bicycle Seat 51. Writer for Image Comics - 'Nuff Said! 52. Roach Motel 53. Mouse Trap 54. Book End 55. Jewelry Display 56. Soap Dish 57. Cheap alternative to Pet Parrot 58. Extra in Bluebeard Documentary 59. Pencil Holder 60. Paint Pallet 61. Horror Movie Prop 62. Co-Star on Baywatch 63. Eavesdropping Device 64. Chastity Belt - Back by popular demand! 65. Tooth Brush Holder 66. Poor Man's Mirror 67. Pool Toy 68. Drain Plug 69. Toilet Bowl Cleaner 70. Hat 71. Poor Man's Disguise Kit 72. Weather Vane - See also: Windsock. 73. Lightening Rod 74. Methane Gas Detector for sewer workers 75. Vice Grip Pliers 76. Baptism Practice Model 77. CPR Dummy 78. 9 Day Deodorant Pad 79. Change Purse 80. Q-Tip 81. Ice Cream Cone 82. Rear View Mirror Decoration 83. Vacuum Cleaner 84. Bathroom Attendant - You give him a quarter, take a mint... Come on, work with me! 85. Spare Horse Shoe 86. Lord Of The Flies - If you don't get it, you didn't finish High School 87. Desk Lamp 88. Poor Man's Mr. Potato Head 89. Maraca 90. Megaphone 91. Science Fair Project 92. Golf Tee 93. Lamp Post 94. Cannon Ball 95. Cool Medallion 96. Prop for St. John The Baptist play 97. Lassie stand-in 98. Spitball Sparring Partner 99. Third Base 100. Creepy Piñata 101. Hat Rack

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Scott W. (Rev)

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