If I lived in a romance novel?

You mean where the girls all have the proportions of Barbies? Even though that's not physically possible? And where they are barely legal... (ooopss! Did I say that?) That's right, some of them ARE jail bait. But you know, when it's the 1800's, who gives a fuck, right? As long as she has a... uhnnnn... I won't go there, it doesn't matter how old she is, she's a ready made woman, right?

And isn't it amazing how every last 'heroine' in those stories are 'virgins', even though they look like Venus? Must be wearing those chastity belts then, if no man's been to her land before Mr. Jerk came along to abuse her, humiliate her and break her spirit, before he miracoulous realizes after all the damage he's done, that he 'loves' her and not 'hates' her like he'd thought he did. Right...

Isn't it amazing too! How utterly complacently cute she is? Such a total innocent thing. I mean really, she's so soft and easy to manipulate, it's just adorable. What a doll, right? You just want to wrap her hair in a pink ribbon, tie an apron on her, and slap her ass to send her into the kitchen to fix you and your friends a drink while you talk of 'manly' things not for her ears. (she's so delicate, you know)

And what would a good romance novel be without her being raped at least once? Matter of fact, if it's a really good story she'll get raped quite a few times by several 'overly eager' men (part of how her spirit gets broken easily for him), before Mr. Jerk saunters his ass over there and 'rescues' her from the situation he put her in, in the first place. (if he bothers to come at all, it varies from story to story)

Oh! And of course! The martyr! Some poor sap friend of his that falls madly in love with her but can't have her. (one of many in the story, but he gets close!) And at some point in the story he sacrifices his life to save her. Thereby, upping the value of her as a woman, making her 'better' than the average woman because some man was willing to die to protect her. (who also happens to treat her like a queen, compared to Mr. Jerk face)

But wait Johnny! That's not all! See what's still left behind DOOR NUMBER THREE!--

Yes, that's right. She's a damn virgin. We don't have a doctor to confirm the hymen, but we'll take the story at its word. And yet, when he takes her (of course, by force), the sex with her is the best he's ever had. Even if it's her first time because she's apparently a whore in bed, just waiting for him to wake up all her innate natural sexual talents in bed for him. But yes, she's the most amazing lover he's ever had. He's never felt so sated and breathed so hard.

Even though this man has fucked so many women that he puts 'Debbie does Dallas' to haughty shame. It's amazing his little manhood hasn't fallen off with disease by now, huh?

But no, not him. He's a Man's man. He's tall, at least a good 6' 2''. With rippled muscles like ocean waves on his body as he moves. And no matter how old he is, his hair is full and dark with color. Vibrant. His face is both beautiful and yet still 'manly'. Usually, they toss in a few 'scars' on his body from his 'past'. He's hung like a walrus.

Not that he couldn't have any woman that he wanted anyways, right? I mean, the man could charm the pants off of Medusa, even if he's a complete asshole to her for no reason. And his past, oh yes, it's very dark. He always has some kind of horrible past to account for his atrocious behavior (she must have a valid reason for forgiving him at the end of the story).

And he's been abused, and abandoned by family, country or life in general. Or forsaken. He's been used and broken by women before her, so doesn't trust women at all, 'they're all the same'. He automatically will twist all her kind gestures into 'malicious' and 'manipulative' motives, even though she has no idea what he's thinking or his interest in her, because this sets up the whole premise for the further abuse he'll inflict on her over and over through out the whole story, till the end. When it finally manages to sink through his thick skull that he's been wrong about her. (duh! imagine that?!)

So if my life is a romance novel, remind me to remove the manhood of the author of this story, because he sucks.

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by hingram77

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Comments 1 to 5 of 5

Marta J. (booksnob) - 8/4/2009 3:04 PM ET

Three cheers!!!!!!!!!!!

Gussie R. (gussie) - 8/4/2009 7:17 PM ET

haha its so true though. the tragic past, the "virgins" and the rapeing its so cliche these days. good job :)

John Z. (witchybooks) - 8/14/2009 8:23 AM ET

Love it. Funny as hell.

Claudia (BrokenWing) - 8/17/2009 11:30 AM ET

This made me chuckle. There are a lot of bad romance novels out there with the cliched characters stereotypical elements you allude to. Because of that, I was a "romance snob" for a long time & wouldn't touch a romance with a 10-foot pole. Until I found a few really good authors that I enjoy. I like the novels with the flawed, imperfect characters--the more imperfect the better. Unfortunately, there are some apallingly bad authors out there that give romance a bad name--like Bertrice Small. I highly recommend authors like Judith Ivory "Untie My Heart," Diana Gabaldon, "Outlander" or Laura Kinsale "Flowers from the Storm" or Mary Jo Putney "Thunder and Roses" as well as Marsha Canham, "The Last Arrow." These authors are head and shoulders above the rest. I'm very very selective with what I read.

musicowls - 8/17/2009 7:33 PM ET

disgusting. boy is she bitter

Comments 1 to 5 of 5

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The Eclectic Pen - A conversation with a man who told me 'I lived in a romance novel'

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