There is so much incest in this world its not even funny. I had a brother, I rarely have ever in my life called him that "my brother"  that messed with me from about 3  yrs old to about 8yrs old. He always threatned to kill me and my momma.. When I was sick and too stay outta school he swore " i believe" in his own decrepid /demented mind that that  was the day I would tell mother so, I got put in a cool tub from my mom as I was burning up with a fever, but my brother came into check on me "without mother knowing and I remember him holding me down under the water and not letting me up for at least what I as a child recalled " seemed like it was hours". I came up coughing, choking and sputtering. Another time, he put me in the front seat of our old car. I was  3 so it was 1963 and he put pine straw under the car. My brother that was 1 yr older than the bad brother worked right next door to our tiny clapboard home and he came home to make a call on his break. He was a butcher in that store. He saw me standing in the front seat of the car just a smiling and giggling and having a ball trying to turn the steering wheel, but he smelt smoke. He looked under the car, no sign of the brother who caught the pine straw on fire, but the good brother showed me how to pull up the lock on the car door and he pulled me to saftey. I at 50 yrs of age now and will be 51 this June have never told my mother what my 1 brother did to me. Yes, lets cross him off for a brother. A brother would not do that to his baby sister or any sister as far as that goes. Yes, I've sought Therapy for that and for losing my twins, but sought Therapy for the molestation for many many years. My mother is still living and was born in 1933 and to this day April 11th of 2011 she still does not know. I have since lost 2 brothers and I really wished that God would of been able to keep both of those 2 brothers alive, but I too prayed to God, PLEASE let the devil take the bad one . The crossed out one. Hes a waste of air and taking up space and taking in good air that good people good use and need.  I really should of finished my book. I started a book about my life. I have almost finished it, but quit when my 2nd brother got sick and died and I too had cancer, but i'm still here to tell about this story. This Christmas forum has just now been found by me and it felt good to tell the world what little that I told yall. My Therapist thinks I should tell my mom, but at her age I thinks its best to let it go. Its been this long and she hasn't been told or doesn't know. Why tell her now? Or does she know? I believe in my heart she knows something, but not everything...Sometimes things are better left unsaid. She has never one time in over 30 yrs asked me why I don't or haven't had or have communications with "that brother"

Is it bad to think that way?  Cross him out?  Would one do that to their brother?  In a way he doesn't seem real to me anymore since its been way over 30 yrs since I spoke to him or saw him.  As far as me and my hubby are concerned he does not exist in this world..  It is very hard to carrry around for all these yrs those horrible thoughts and feelings of what he did, and I always thought it was my fault. Kids in those sort of situations are always taught it is their fault by the abuser. I feel in my heart to me he is dead. I wouldn't even know him if he passed right beside me on a sidewalk. If I did, I would want to mame him. Hurt him, Take from him what he took from me at such a young age.. I'd rather take his life away, it feels like he took mine for many many years and in a sense he did for a lot of years. In some ways it feels like he still has some kind of control, but thats only in my head from all the fear I had from whom was suppose to be one of the protectors in our family. The older kids always watched over the baby kids. It was and still is a normal part of life. Will that fear remain me with through out my life, it has so far.

Us 7 kids sat around the Christmas tree the next day and we had apples and oranges in our stockings. My real father was an alcohlic so he was hardly home, but when he was, one of his many girlfriends came to the house and picked him up. Mother said nothing. She was still carrying around 2 broken ribs and two enormous black eyes that my real dad gave her for asking him to please stay at home with the family for Christmas. The next day we went to our first foster home. We 7 stayed together in and out of 4 Foster Homes. My Mom was thankful to the Judge for that. Not seperating us. Christmas is so over rated to me. Its so depressing to me. I can't wait for it to get here and be gone.. I haven't seen that brother in over 30 something yrs. Just lost 2 loving brother's to cancer, but he was not around for my brother that passed last. I was with that brother until he took his last breath. He was looking straight at me. The other brother lived in Fl where I spent the summer taking care of him. I was still a member here even then, but that bad brother too lived in Fl, but our paths never once crossed while I took care of my oldest brother.

How I wished it were another brother lying their. Well again, I haven't called him my brother in over 30 something yrs. It had always been that there were 7 of us and I was the baby of those 7 and my sister is the oldest and is 9 yrs older than myself. I the baby she the oldest and she is the only person in my family to whom I ever told this story. I wouldn't of know we were in Foster Homes earlier had she not told me at the age of 31 when me and my hubby came home from Germany. I never understood why all of my brothers and sisters said they wouldn't piss on him ( my real father) if he were on fire. NOW I know why...I was way to young to know what he did to my mom and my other siblings....My step father was my real father to me....There are so many Christmas stories about the last brother that just passed and mom and papa and me. We were the only 2 living at home then. He was two yrs older than me, but not by much. He is the one who passed while looking straight at me.  None of my family other than my hubby and me and my mom were around my brother any length of time. He was a lonely soul, a broken spirit. Some of my best memories of him were around Christmas time. He just passed Oct 16th 2010 and my first brother that passed the 2nd to the oldest passed Aug 7th 2009.

I too am a lost soul with a broken spirit, but life goes on and only God knows when things will happen. I wonder if i'll ever have good Christmas memories again.. I haven't for so many years. I also lost twins and just before Thanksgiving and Christmas.  These are suppose to be thankful and sharing and giving times. I really gave alot, but I took alot too.

Blessings,

Esperanza