In the wholly original spirit of THE CHRISTMAS BOX and THE CHRISTMAS JARS, here's another book in the classic subgenre of Christmas Noun books. Here's...ugh. Man.
Hey, here's an idea for you, why don't you read some real books? Maudlin, formulaic, seasonal Christmas-miracle tales shat out by far-right conservative talk show hosts: that's really the sort of stuff you want to read? That's the sort of "author" you want to support?
You can request this book from me, but it will not be sent to you with even a dusting of respect for you or your so-called "literary" tastes. Seriously, if this is the sort of crapped-out lameness you seek out to read, you might as well not even read books. Just watch TV and read PEOPLE Magazine. Books aren't for you. Learning's not your thing, evidently.
Just keep in mind, if you do request it, that Glenn Beck used to praise THE CHRISTMAS JARS, one of the shoddiest, most-thrown-together books I've ever encountered, as if THAT was some sort of literary miracle, an ideal worth trying to reach. Oh, and he regularly urges his listeners--the ranks of which no doubt include YOU, since you're looking to get a free used copy of his latest book--to vote against giving homosexual couples the same civil rights as everyone else, and to ignore the consensus of scientists who insist that global warming is real and they can have evidence to prove it. Among other things.
I got this book as a Christmas gift, and I'm eager to get rid of it, but it saddens me that someone out there will be happy to receive it, read it, and probably incorporate it into some incredibly lame family tradition involving special sweaters. Your poor kids.
To you who requests this from me, I would have only contempt for you, if I didn't also have some involuntary pity for you as well. Perhaps you can barely read, and you need especially simple books. Perhaps you just buy whatever the voices on the radio tell you to buy, and you just need something to read while kicking back on your Craftmatic adjustable bed, sucking on an Airborne herbal throat lozenge, and watching your dogs scarf down a huge bowl of Purina One in the corner of your bedroom.
Oh, someone's at the door! Hey, it's a Lobstergram! And what's this? Sean Hannity has even personally Hannitized your order!
Go ahead. Request this book. Make yourself even lamer than I suspect you already are. Or: don't. Get a nonfiction book that will actually teach you something. Or a classic work of literature that will deepen you. Or something from a cutting-edge new writer that will shape the way you view the world.
Do that, and there might be hope for you yet. Otherwise...
Hey, here's an idea for you, why don't you read some real books? Maudlin, formulaic, seasonal Christmas-miracle tales shat out by far-right conservative talk show hosts: that's really the sort of stuff you want to read? That's the sort of "author" you want to support?
You can request this book from me, but it will not be sent to you with even a dusting of respect for you or your so-called "literary" tastes. Seriously, if this is the sort of crapped-out lameness you seek out to read, you might as well not even read books. Just watch TV and read PEOPLE Magazine. Books aren't for you. Learning's not your thing, evidently.
Just keep in mind, if you do request it, that Glenn Beck used to praise THE CHRISTMAS JARS, one of the shoddiest, most-thrown-together books I've ever encountered, as if THAT was some sort of literary miracle, an ideal worth trying to reach. Oh, and he regularly urges his listeners--the ranks of which no doubt include YOU, since you're looking to get a free used copy of his latest book--to vote against giving homosexual couples the same civil rights as everyone else, and to ignore the consensus of scientists who insist that global warming is real and they can have evidence to prove it. Among other things.
I got this book as a Christmas gift, and I'm eager to get rid of it, but it saddens me that someone out there will be happy to receive it, read it, and probably incorporate it into some incredibly lame family tradition involving special sweaters. Your poor kids.
To you who requests this from me, I would have only contempt for you, if I didn't also have some involuntary pity for you as well. Perhaps you can barely read, and you need especially simple books. Perhaps you just buy whatever the voices on the radio tell you to buy, and you just need something to read while kicking back on your Craftmatic adjustable bed, sucking on an Airborne herbal throat lozenge, and watching your dogs scarf down a huge bowl of Purina One in the corner of your bedroom.
Oh, someone's at the door! Hey, it's a Lobstergram! And what's this? Sean Hannity has even personally Hannitized your order!
Go ahead. Request this book. Make yourself even lamer than I suspect you already are. Or: don't. Get a nonfiction book that will actually teach you something. Or a classic work of literature that will deepen you. Or something from a cutting-edge new writer that will shape the way you view the world.
Do that, and there might be hope for you yet. Otherwise...
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