The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Author:
Genres: Health, Fitness & Dieting, Nonfiction
Book Type: Paperback
Author:
Genres: Health, Fitness & Dieting, Nonfiction
Book Type: Paperback
Bookfanatic reviewed on
I've read a lot of marriage self-help books though I am in a great marriage. I think it's possible to learn new ways to improve an already good marriage. Gottman's Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work is probably the best marriage improvement book I've read. It's very clear, straightforward and easy to understand.
Gottman turns upside down some of the conventionally accepted ideas for what makes a marriage work. For example, couples in happy marriages fight and sometimes very loudly and fiercely. Communication isn't necessarily what keeps a couple in a marriage; emotional connection is. Couples in happy marriages have strategies they use, perhaps not even realizing it, to defuse a tense situation that couples in troubled marriages don't. Couples in happy marriages have a strong friendship with each other underlying their marriage so when the other makes a negative comment or does something that seems like a criticism, there's already such a bank of good feelings towards the other spouse that buffers that action whereas couples in troubled marriages aren't each other's friends so comments are nearly always taken the wrong way and given a negative meaning since there's no buffer of goodwill between them. Couples in good marriages have their neurotic tendencies. They aren't perfectly emotionally balanced. Gottman also says it's ok to have your neuroses, you just have to find someone who is a good match for your issues. So if you have abandonment issues because your father left your mother, you shouldn't end up marrying a man who while faithful to you is very extroverted and likes to flirt with women at parties. If you do, you'll constantly be on edge in the relationship. Marry someone who gets your issues and is ok with them.
He uses real life examples, real life fights between couples to illustrate his points. He uses scientific data gained from his marriage lab (where he and his grad student staff observe married couples) instead of winging it with his own opinions as so many marriage therapists do. I especially liked the section on the Four Horseman of the Relationship Apocalpyse - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The advice in this book is invaluable. I might give this to my nieces and nephews when they get married. Too bad in our society people so much time planning their wedding and honeymoon and not enough on how to make a marriage work."
Gottman turns upside down some of the conventionally accepted ideas for what makes a marriage work. For example, couples in happy marriages fight and sometimes very loudly and fiercely. Communication isn't necessarily what keeps a couple in a marriage; emotional connection is. Couples in happy marriages have strategies they use, perhaps not even realizing it, to defuse a tense situation that couples in troubled marriages don't. Couples in happy marriages have a strong friendship with each other underlying their marriage so when the other makes a negative comment or does something that seems like a criticism, there's already such a bank of good feelings towards the other spouse that buffers that action whereas couples in troubled marriages aren't each other's friends so comments are nearly always taken the wrong way and given a negative meaning since there's no buffer of goodwill between them. Couples in good marriages have their neurotic tendencies. They aren't perfectly emotionally balanced. Gottman also says it's ok to have your neuroses, you just have to find someone who is a good match for your issues. So if you have abandonment issues because your father left your mother, you shouldn't end up marrying a man who while faithful to you is very extroverted and likes to flirt with women at parties. If you do, you'll constantly be on edge in the relationship. Marry someone who gets your issues and is ok with them.
He uses real life examples, real life fights between couples to illustrate his points. He uses scientific data gained from his marriage lab (where he and his grad student staff observe married couples) instead of winging it with his own opinions as so many marriage therapists do. I especially liked the section on the Four Horseman of the Relationship Apocalpyse - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The advice in this book is invaluable. I might give this to my nieces and nephews when they get married. Too bad in our society people so much time planning their wedding and honeymoon and not enough on how to make a marriage work."
