Afterbirth: Stories You Won't Read in a Parenting Magazine
Author:
Genres: Parenting & Relationships, Humor & Entertainment
Book Type: Hardcover
Author:
Genres: Parenting & Relationships, Humor & Entertainment
Book Type: Hardcover
This is horrible. Pure trash. This will be an on-going review even though I can already rate it one star. It's just like a car accident - I must look. And, I'm shocked. Modisett must have actually gone out of her way looking for fucked up people to write these essays. At the very, very least, if there is a semi-normal person, then they're parents are/were fucked up. Are there no normal people where this chick lives?
I took this off the two lists I had it on, 'humor' and 'parenting' because it's neither humorous nor about parenting, parents, anything parental you can think of besides being fucked up parents who are trying to fuck their kids up.
Oh, this is going to be a long one folks. If I could turn back time I would never go to the library on the day I saw this awful book.
Let me just say this: I'm not a goody-goody. I cuss. I make parenting mistakes. Hell I make mistakes all over the place. I can take jokes. The only jokes I don't like are racist or otherwise prejudiced, besides those you can't offend me. Yeah well.....
*Oh, and by the way, to those reviewers calling these people "celebs", what world do you live in? There is exactly one person, ONE person, in all of these so-called "authors" that I've heard of - Moon Unit Zappa. (I can't believe I even typed that.) Why not just name your baby Shit Eating Brick. wtf. Anyway, that's it. No one else. Writing for Seinfeld does not a celebrity make peoples. Sorry. Do you credit the burger flipper at McDonald's with giving you your burger? Noooooo. The person who gave you said burger gets the credit. That's the way the world works whether we like it or not.
So, onward and upward right?
We may as well start with the prologue eh? Here's the big joke in a nutshell: Modisett felt pain in her head, finds out she's pregnant, and "apparently becoming pregnant was such a shock to my system, it almost blew my head off." Hardy fucking har.
Marta Ravin - drug addict, hangs with strippers, (in other words fine upstanding citizen) decided to "rebel" while pregnant. No drugs or alcohol, nope. Not for Marta. She decided not to take her prenatal vitamins. Not the end of the world you say? It sure isn't. And hey, why take something that's been proven to be beneficial for your unborn baby, something that takes about all of two seconds and no energy or strength to take, when you can "rebel"? We get a fun amount of drug related little tidbits, wanna-be jokes we'll call them for lack of a more suitable term, and pretty much nothing else. Now, as if having a fucked up mom isn't enough for this poor kid, and I think we can assume the dad is fucked up to for even marrying this drug addicted slut who doesn't want to take care of her baby in even the simplest way, there's at least one fucked up beyond belief grandparent to throw into the mix! Whoo-hoo! Marta's dear old mom apparently sees nothing wrong with sticking her nipple in her grandsons mouth to sooth him. Um, is it just me or is that not normal? I'm left hoping that's another wanna-be joke.
Dana Gould - seemed half way normal I guess but nothing even remotely humorous in her story and certainly nothing to actually take away from the book with the reader.
Merrin Dungey - apologizing to her vagina was sort of funny. Could have been I guess. Wasn't really here.
Moon Unit Zappa - I did it again. I don't think I need to give examples of why her kid has fucked up grandparents do I? I'm not going to be too harsh on her because she had to have had one of the most messed up childhoods ever. And while, from her story, it seemed that she was on the road to becoming the same screwed up mother and wife I think she may have seen the error of her ways. Who knows. You'd think the first thing she'd do would be to change her damn name.
Kell Cahoon - Oh God this is a good one. Dear Lord help these people. They're not even people I don't think. Whatever they are send them some help. One, at the airport, after forgetting the baby's birth certificate, the "mother" starts screaming, yelling 'fuck' all around the airport, in front of said baby, and then proceeds to punching herself in the forehead long enough for the baby to get scared and start wailing. Yeah. Oh so normal right? These are those 'real' stories you don't find in Parents magazine. Two, the grandfather tried to take a pic of author's two nephews and can't get them to smile. So, this "normal" family turns to the oh so normal option! Grandma gets up and grabs her tits, calls the boys, and starts jiggling them yelling, "Look at Grandma's jello boys!" I don't want to live in this world any more if that's true. I'm going to operate on the assumption that it's another wanna-be joke - I have to do that to stay sane. That is one of the most disgusting this I've ever heard. If ANYONE ever grabs and jiggled tits at my kids I'd hurt them. Bad. Then I'd call the police and have them arrested and if I have to do a quick 24 hours because I kicked their ass then so fucking be it.
It should be noted that the grandfather was so pleased with his wife's actions that he actually praised her aloud. Duly noted. Three, the take the baby to the grandparents so they can go out to dinner and the room is filled with weed smoke. 'Nuff said there.
Mimi Friedman - this is one half of a lesbian couple who adopted. The sanest so far although there are still characters, ha, characters, in here who are - say it together now - FUCKED UP. The birth mother is so against having a scar she says no to the procedure (being talked about before hand as a 'what if') even if there's a complication. Leave it to this author to find sane people who adopted a baby from a wack job. They themselves seem cool as hell though and fairly normal.
Mark Hudis - I'm not sure what to say about this guy. He creeps me out from just reading his story. Compared to the others I've read about here though he's borderline normal also.
Christy Callahan - a non-atheist who doesn't believe in God. Of course there are those out there! Duh! Doesn't seem too wacky but in all honesty the wacko's I've already read about more than make up for the saner ones so far.
Johanna Stein - jokes about punching her baby in the face. I mean, yeah, it's a joke but isn't that a little tasteless? I don't get those kind of jokes. It's trashy pure and simple.
Eric Weinberg - this guy is a loser. He's so upset he had a girl the second time around that he made a huge deal out of it and not his second son gets to grow up, find out, and have a fucked up life courtesy of dear old fucked up dad.
You know, on second thought, I may not finish this. I've read enough I think. I highly doubt there's anything that can actually be called funny hidden in any of the essay's.
This is going to piss people off but hey, it is what it is and I am who I am. (And, the people that get pissed off and probably the ones this is targeting.) If you read this, and liked and found funny the few bits and pieces I threw together here, and you have children, please, please, stop breeding NOW, take whatever children you already have to a police station, fire house, hospital or church and walk away. Pretend you really love your kid and you want to do what's best. Because trust me, you aren't what's best. If you don't believe me, pull your tits out, jiggle them up and down while yelling 'fuck' in front of the kid and punching him or her in it's face. Then see what happens.
I took this off the two lists I had it on, 'humor' and 'parenting' because it's neither humorous nor about parenting, parents, anything parental you can think of besides being fucked up parents who are trying to fuck their kids up.
Oh, this is going to be a long one folks. If I could turn back time I would never go to the library on the day I saw this awful book.
Let me just say this: I'm not a goody-goody. I cuss. I make parenting mistakes. Hell I make mistakes all over the place. I can take jokes. The only jokes I don't like are racist or otherwise prejudiced, besides those you can't offend me. Yeah well.....
*Oh, and by the way, to those reviewers calling these people "celebs", what world do you live in? There is exactly one person, ONE person, in all of these so-called "authors" that I've heard of - Moon Unit Zappa. (I can't believe I even typed that.) Why not just name your baby Shit Eating Brick. wtf. Anyway, that's it. No one else. Writing for Seinfeld does not a celebrity make peoples. Sorry. Do you credit the burger flipper at McDonald's with giving you your burger? Noooooo. The person who gave you said burger gets the credit. That's the way the world works whether we like it or not.
So, onward and upward right?
We may as well start with the prologue eh? Here's the big joke in a nutshell: Modisett felt pain in her head, finds out she's pregnant, and "apparently becoming pregnant was such a shock to my system, it almost blew my head off." Hardy fucking har.
Marta Ravin - drug addict, hangs with strippers, (in other words fine upstanding citizen) decided to "rebel" while pregnant. No drugs or alcohol, nope. Not for Marta. She decided not to take her prenatal vitamins. Not the end of the world you say? It sure isn't. And hey, why take something that's been proven to be beneficial for your unborn baby, something that takes about all of two seconds and no energy or strength to take, when you can "rebel"? We get a fun amount of drug related little tidbits, wanna-be jokes we'll call them for lack of a more suitable term, and pretty much nothing else. Now, as if having a fucked up mom isn't enough for this poor kid, and I think we can assume the dad is fucked up to for even marrying this drug addicted slut who doesn't want to take care of her baby in even the simplest way, there's at least one fucked up beyond belief grandparent to throw into the mix! Whoo-hoo! Marta's dear old mom apparently sees nothing wrong with sticking her nipple in her grandsons mouth to sooth him. Um, is it just me or is that not normal? I'm left hoping that's another wanna-be joke.
Dana Gould - seemed half way normal I guess but nothing even remotely humorous in her story and certainly nothing to actually take away from the book with the reader.
Merrin Dungey - apologizing to her vagina was sort of funny. Could have been I guess. Wasn't really here.
Moon Unit Zappa - I did it again. I don't think I need to give examples of why her kid has fucked up grandparents do I? I'm not going to be too harsh on her because she had to have had one of the most messed up childhoods ever. And while, from her story, it seemed that she was on the road to becoming the same screwed up mother and wife I think she may have seen the error of her ways. Who knows. You'd think the first thing she'd do would be to change her damn name.
Kell Cahoon - Oh God this is a good one. Dear Lord help these people. They're not even people I don't think. Whatever they are send them some help. One, at the airport, after forgetting the baby's birth certificate, the "mother" starts screaming, yelling 'fuck' all around the airport, in front of said baby, and then proceeds to punching herself in the forehead long enough for the baby to get scared and start wailing. Yeah. Oh so normal right? These are those 'real' stories you don't find in Parents magazine. Two, the grandfather tried to take a pic of author's two nephews and can't get them to smile. So, this "normal" family turns to the oh so normal option! Grandma gets up and grabs her tits, calls the boys, and starts jiggling them yelling, "Look at Grandma's jello boys!" I don't want to live in this world any more if that's true. I'm going to operate on the assumption that it's another wanna-be joke - I have to do that to stay sane. That is one of the most disgusting this I've ever heard. If ANYONE ever grabs and jiggled tits at my kids I'd hurt them. Bad. Then I'd call the police and have them arrested and if I have to do a quick 24 hours because I kicked their ass then so fucking be it.
It should be noted that the grandfather was so pleased with his wife's actions that he actually praised her aloud. Duly noted. Three, the take the baby to the grandparents so they can go out to dinner and the room is filled with weed smoke. 'Nuff said there.
Mimi Friedman - this is one half of a lesbian couple who adopted. The sanest so far although there are still characters, ha, characters, in here who are - say it together now - FUCKED UP. The birth mother is so against having a scar she says no to the procedure (being talked about before hand as a 'what if') even if there's a complication. Leave it to this author to find sane people who adopted a baby from a wack job. They themselves seem cool as hell though and fairly normal.
Mark Hudis - I'm not sure what to say about this guy. He creeps me out from just reading his story. Compared to the others I've read about here though he's borderline normal also.
Christy Callahan - a non-atheist who doesn't believe in God. Of course there are those out there! Duh! Doesn't seem too wacky but in all honesty the wacko's I've already read about more than make up for the saner ones so far.
Johanna Stein - jokes about punching her baby in the face. I mean, yeah, it's a joke but isn't that a little tasteless? I don't get those kind of jokes. It's trashy pure and simple.
Eric Weinberg - this guy is a loser. He's so upset he had a girl the second time around that he made a huge deal out of it and not his second son gets to grow up, find out, and have a fucked up life courtesy of dear old fucked up dad.
You know, on second thought, I may not finish this. I've read enough I think. I highly doubt there's anything that can actually be called funny hidden in any of the essay's.
This is going to piss people off but hey, it is what it is and I am who I am. (And, the people that get pissed off and probably the ones this is targeting.) If you read this, and liked and found funny the few bits and pieces I threw together here, and you have children, please, please, stop breeding NOW, take whatever children you already have to a police station, fire house, hospital or church and walk away. Pretend you really love your kid and you want to do what's best. Because trust me, you aren't what's best. If you don't believe me, pull your tits out, jiggle them up and down while yelling 'fuck' in front of the kid and punching him or her in it's face. Then see what happens.
